This is a random musing of mine (one of many). I wrote this several months ago. I will post it here along with others.
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2/2/2009
“An Observer”
I decided recently to start keeping a journal. I would be lying if I said I didn’t realize how much more alive I feel when I write. The opportunity to release all of these emotions works wonders for my mood. I don’t even realize that I have pent up frustrations until I openly discuss my feelings. Understanding that emotions have to be dealt with on a regular basis is a difficult concept to grasp. It is especially difficult for someone like me. I abhor pomp and circumstance. Finding a quiet spot to sit and reflect suits my needs just fine. Tranquility and space to create works of art are more valuable to me than constant chatter.
When I was younger I thought that these feelings were wrong. I thought that being the way I am made me less of a person than everyone else. Over the years these ideas of a ‘right and wrong’ personality started to fade. In my mind, there was only the way God made me. This is not to say that I have always been quiet and reflective. I was actually very outgoing and talkative as a child. But certain events in my life forced me to look inwards and examine the world from afar. I am an observer. I act by not acting. My gifts are listening to what others have to say, refraining from passing judgment, and caring about the opinions of the people around me. Truly, the God-given gifts of reflection and insight have richly enhanced my life. Picturing my life without these gifts is near impossible.
There are times when I feel that my progress is stagnant. I wonder…is it because I am not working in my gift? God commanded me to write. I do so in order to give Him praise and exalt Him. My purpose is to spread His Word and minister to those who are saved and unsaved. I am deeply disappointed in myself for shirking my responsibilities for so long. Periods of resolve came and went within the span of eight years. I wrote sporadically at best. Beautiful words written in times of hardship and inspiration litter a notepad somewhere. Or lay in an unaccessed file on my jumpdrive.
Realizing that I cannot take off sprinting into my ‘written’ ministry was the first step. Writing every day, whether it is a short prayer or journal entry, will be my starting point. I will gradually work my way into more complex works.
I write, because it is how I interact with the world and the people around me… It is my way… It is my praise… It is my life…
I love this entry because I feel the same. I too used to feel out of place as a child. I remember my older cousin looking at me and saying “don’t worry, you’ll grow out of it” when she came upon me tucked away in a corner engrossed in my book in hand. I was reading a book which had held me captive in a more interesting and enjoyable world for countless hours and I couldn’t understand what she was saying. I didn’t respond to her, but I remember thinking “I hope I never do” as I observed everybody else interacting with one another I wasn’t impressed, the world of the book had me.
I didn’t decide that I was going to be a writer until I was about 17 or 18 and even then I didn’t write much, just read a whole lot and dreamed about what I thought was impossible, worlds away. Today I feel like I’m closer to being published than ever before and my dream doesn’t seem so far away. I dare say its not a possibility, but a probability and I am preparing myself to embrace it when it does happen because I know it will seem like it happened all in one day. Thanks for sharing and inspiring Cassie!