Random Musings (“My Heavenly Father”)

Yet another random musing written during one of my daily devotionals. This entry, in particular, holds great significance for me. I wrote this the night before my father passed away. I wrote it because I had completely accepted the fact that I longer needed a father figure to affirm me. I had made peace with something that had plagued me for such a long time.

I was extremely thankful for the revelation and the weight that was lifted from my heart. The events that followed were undoubtedly abrupt but if I had not come to terms with my inner conflict over my father’s abandonment, things may have panned out differently. There is no doubt in my mind that I would have dealt with the situation. But my adjustment to such a huge life change may have been delayed otherwise.

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2/3/2009

“My Heavenly Father”

After a long day, I sit quietly and talk with my Father. I take great solace in the fact that at the end of the day He will be there waiting for me, ready to listen. He is the only father I have left. My earthly father abandoned me years ago.

God, my Heavenly Father, has shown me many things and I am infinitely grateful. He has given me guidance in times of confusion. And He has brought me insight when I thought my world would be torn asunder.

I am at peace in his presence… Such a calming affect the Lord has on me…

Random Musings (“An Observer”)

This is a random musing of mine (one of many). I wrote this several months ago. I will post it here along with others.

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2/2/2009

“An Observer”

I decided recently to start keeping a journal. I would be lying if I said I didn’t realize how much more alive I feel when I write. The opportunity to release all of these emotions works wonders for my mood. I don’t even realize that I have pent up frustrations until I openly discuss my feelings. Understanding that emotions have to be dealt with on a regular basis is a difficult concept to grasp. It is especially difficult for someone like me. I abhor pomp and circumstance. Finding a quiet spot to sit and reflect suits my needs just fine. Tranquility and space to create works of art are more valuable to me than constant chatter.

When I was younger I thought that these feelings were wrong. I thought that being the way I am made me less of a person than everyone else. Over the years these ideas of a ‘right and wrong’ personality started to fade. In my mind, there was only the way God made me. This is not to say that I have always been quiet and reflective. I was actually very outgoing and talkative as a child. But certain events in my life forced me to look inwards and examine the world from afar. I am an observer. I act by not acting. My gifts are listening to what others have to say, refraining from passing judgment, and caring about the opinions of the people around me. Truly, the God-given gifts of reflection and insight have richly enhanced my life. Picturing my life without these gifts is near impossible.

There are times when I feel that my progress is stagnant. I wonder…is it because I am not working in my gift? God commanded me to write. I do so in order to give Him praise and exalt Him. My purpose is to spread His Word and minister to those who are saved and unsaved. I am deeply disappointed in myself for shirking my responsibilities for so long. Periods of resolve came and went within the span of eight years. I wrote sporadically at best. Beautiful words written in times of hardship and inspiration litter a notepad somewhere. Or lay in an unaccessed file on my jumpdrive.

Realizing that I cannot take off sprinting into my ‘written’ ministry was the first step. Writing every day, whether it is a short prayer or journal entry, will be my starting point. I will gradually work my way into more complex works.

I write, because it is how I interact with the world and the people around me… It is my way… It is my praise… It is my life…

Why I Write

This is a piece of work that I composed back in 2001. I have since edited it. There are also some differences in what I thought would happen then and what inevitably took place.

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7/29/01

“Why I Write”

From wanting to be a lawyer to a psychologist until finally I’ve come up with the occupation that rivals every dream I’ve ever had…a writer…I want to be a writer. Not just any writer you see. A world renowned, Pulitzer award winning, interviewed around the clock, writer……. Got ‘cha! That’s not what I want. Sounds nice and in the future, I’d have to say that, yes, I would like those things. It gives me something to strive for, but right now, all I want is the joy that fills me when I write. The feeling of accomplishment. The feeling that I can find pleasure in something that lights my soul and brightens my heart in ways unimaginable. Maybe that’s why I think of myself as being so…unique…so out of place, because I can’t explain my emotions without the simple act of writing. Talking has always been a problem for me. I can never say what I feel when I need to. The words seem to come after the dust has cleared and I’m left to ponder what I might have said. Then I pick up a pen and all the words that had escaped me earlier, come back and grace my notebook with such authority, that I wonder why they ran away to begin with. That’s just me I guess…no, I take that back. Other writers feel the way I do. They love their craft and at the same time hate it, because they can’t live without it. It’s their way of getting in touch. It’s how they cope. What would any of us do without it? Put pieces of paper with general emotions like love, happiness, anger, depression, and exhaustion into a hat and pull from it so people would understand how we’re feeling? Nah, it doesn’t work like that. It never will, because we respect our gift and can do nothing, but oblige it.

Our outlet, our safety net, what inspires us to give others joy, change lives, and cry droplets of our own souls. Yes, when you can both instill power in others and find your sense of belonging all at the same time, then you are truly a writer. If you can sit and take a negative, turn it into a positive and use it to find your way through a hardship, you are a writer.

I think I had to endure more than I ever wanted to find my place among the ranks. It seems that one traumatic event can bring about an evolution that can either mold you for the worse or for the better. I think mine was for the better. Maturity is something I’ve always had, but I didn’t fully understand it until now. The time for me to stand on my own and face my own battles came sooner than I would have liked, but regardless of whether I’m ready or not, I have to stand. Failure to do so is NOT an option.

My pride has been an obstacle for me many a time. When I write, I learn to deal with my faults. Make them into a part of me that I am not ashamed of. And with that comes compassion. This has left me in an emotional, if not fragile state. More so than I would have liked. But that’s life. We get out of one fire and jump head first into another.

I’ll never stop changing. I’ll change until I’ve found myself. My true self. Not the tomboy everyone thinks they know, not the so-called prodigy, not the naive little girl that I’m mistaken for. Just me…the writer…who passes on the torch of knowledge with my stories. I do it not only for myself, my family, or for my handful of readers, but to appease my God. The one who has given me my talent, my gateway for opening my heart. And I thank Him not with words, but with the type of my keys, the success of my art, and the stroke of my pencil against my composition pad. So, trust that when I die, I’ll die writing because it’s the only way I know how to live…

My first movie review – Transformers 2 (a fan’s perspective)

Tonight I went to see Transformers 2. Unfortunately, I was not thrilled with the finished product. This will be a painful experience for those who enjoyed the movie. I apologize in advance, but I’m going to be brutally honest… : (

(NOTE! THIS CONTAINS SOME SPOILERS… YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!)

Let me start off by stating that I had high hopes for the sequel. I thought that maybe the creators would try to redeem themselves for killing off my favorite character, Jazz, and butchering the original storyline.  I admit I still held a grudge against them for that but it didn’t stop me from seeing the movie (even after I received a spoiler that they didn’t bring him back in the second film).

I believe in creative license. As an artist it’s necessary to take a creation and make it your own. Customize it, so to speak. I assumed that the added hour of movie time would prove to be a lagniappe. I was ready to be drawn deeper into the chaos left behind by the first film (The obvious cliffhanger had hooked me).  But it didn’t take long before I wanted to throw the extra hour in their face and demand to know where they got off adding in all that unnecessary nonsense!

No, I did not expect them to stick to the original plot. Logically, that is impossible. They’ve got a limited amount of time to orient the audience with the film’s premise, its characters, and the universe in which it takes place. Not to mention the fact that the plot must continue to move at a reasonable pace.

However, I lost count of how many times I shook my head or thought, “Really? Really?? You’re just gonna put that in there, huh?” Granted…the generation that grew up on Transformers is now in the 20s-30s range. I remember watching it with my dad. I won’t base my like or dislike of the film on sentimental value though. What I will say is that Transformers was not that… vulgar. Not even close. It wasn’t stereotypical either. Yes, there was a lack of people of color. I’d have to say that Jazz was especially cool because you had this inkling he was a Black man. : ) I could identify with him at least to that extent since the only humans they interacted with looked nothing like me.

But seriously, the Twins…were they necessary? I won’t even go into the film makers choice of designs for the Twins. No, I’m not touching that or else I may blow a fuse. But I will address one of the twins obvious use of one of the derivatives of the n-word. I don’t remember which twin it was (and frankly, I don’t care), but was it necessary to add that word in there? Whether it was meant as the equivalent of brotha, homie, partnah… I don’t really see its relevance.

Do the film makers think our generation will be impressed by the Autobots’ new lingo? Yeah, they were pretty corny in the television series but I don’t think that vulgarity is going to automatically make us embrace  it as adults. The dogs ‘assaulting’ each other, the robot ‘assaulting’ Mikaela’s leg, and Sam’s mom’s ‘potty mouth.’ I just raised an eyebrow and wondered again, “Was that necessary?” One of the few ‘goober moments’ I would have kept would be the parachute that was basically farted out of the ancient’s backside… (And that’s probably due to the fact that I have male friends who think that sort of thing is hilarious and I’ve been unwittingly exposed to their twisted senses of humor).

Some things I will admit added to the film. It’d be boring if it were addressed in a business-like manner. But come on… “Enemy scrotum?” So basically… The film makers went from not wanting to explain the gender of Arcee (and inevitably nixed her from the first film) to alluding to the Transformers having genitalia? O_o

And mixing up the different robots… I’m not going to nitpick about it. Although after hearing buzz about them possibly working Unicron into the franchise I did a double take when one Decepticon, in particular, came on screen. He was another no-name Decepticon, but I’m gonna assume he was a knock-off of the Constructicons. All of a sudden the Constructicon knock-off decides to start inhaling everything in his general vicinity. I realized then that the director (I refuse to refer to him by name in my anger… sorry … my displeasure…) doesn’t really want to create new Transformers. No, that would take effort. He decides to mix them all up. Surprisingly, this doesn’t bother me as I can see why he would go for such a method. I am, however, bothered by the fact that the ‘new ‘ Transformers quite simply… suck! He could have kept that!

Maybe after a good night’s sleep I will have kinder words for the film… but I doubt it… -_-

Father’s Day 2009

Dad, Danielle, and me
Dad, Danielle, and me

Father’s Day came and went for me this year. It has been many years since my family and I celebrated with my dad. The last time we celebrated Father’s Day together was back in 2001. Every year after that was dedicated to my mom. Back then even if I had wanted to contact my dad on Father’s Day, I had no idea how to find him. But this year…this year I don’t have the option.

Maybe I let the time slip by me. I stay so busy, I had no idea that Father’s Day was this weekend. Subconsciously, I may have blocked out the date. Who knows?

May 14th, his birthday, was more difficult. Maybe because another important date quickly followed it (But I’ll address that some other time). After that particular onslaught of chaotic emotions, I decided I’d stay so busy, I wouldn’t know whether I was coming or going.

I know today was hard for my aunt. She lost her dad relatively young, too. My granddad was a few months shy of his 58th birthday when he passed.

I think my sister and I take after my mom. We block things. Although, out of the two of us, I feel as if I’m more prone to being overly emotional. But it may just depend on the situation.

I guess the hardest part is dealing with the feeling of not telling the person how you feel. Of course I really didn’t have the opportunity, but I still feel the sting. I’ve never been the type to go very long without apologizing. I thank God that I appreciate the moments I have with the people around me. No matter what their relationship with me may be.

Some people take their time here on earth for granted. Death is so incredibly absolute. In reality, our existence in the physical is but a whisper of time.

Hold your loved ones dear. Tell them you love them. Doesn’t matter if you think it’s implied or not. Let them know! Tell them. Show them. Be there for them as often as you possibly can. When a storm comes, ride them out together. And keep each other in your prayers.

I miss my dad and always will. But I love him enough to rejoice for him. He has his eternal reward now.

Yeah, my birthday was last week, but…

Ok…so my birthday was a week ago. June 11th came and went pretty uneventfully…I really didn’t do anything too special. I had a ‘birthday weekend’ planned, but some things ended up getting canceled (Totally not my fault! But it’s gonna be rescheduled…I hope).

I got six more students the week of my birthday, making it seven students total. While I am abundantly happy, it doesn’t leave much room for anything else. I decided I will try to hire 2 or 3 more tutors. I’m going through the application process with one prospect. All’s well so far.

I started volunteering with KidZone last Wednesday. They had vacation Bible school at Bethany North June 9th-11th. (I signed up for VBS at Bethany South, too. It’s not until July 7th-9th). I would have been there for all three days, but I have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. So I spent my birthday working and in class…yay… 🙁

I figured it was a small price to pay if I could go sky diving with a group of friends over the weekend in Lumberton, MS. No dice…it was canceled the day before because suddenly everyone had other commitments. My mom had to talk me out of renting a car and driving myself!  I was displeased…extraordinarily displeased… >:-(

But I sucked it up and went to tutor my students instead. *sigh* Don’t get me wrong. I really enjoy tutoring, but I really wanted to sky dive. On the upside, Cisca and I went indoor rock climbing Sunday afternoon in Lafayette. That was a pick me up. The downside…we’re not too good… 🙁 Or should I say we’re not very good at belaying. I assume I’ll get better over time. *needs to gain weight*

We ate at a local sushi bar afterward. We planned to kill time, so I could meet up with a friend. It started getting late though and we left. (If you’re reading this Justin…I say again… you suck! :P). We got back around 10:30pm or 11pm…something like that. And I called it a night around 12am. *shrugs*

And thus my birthday week ended…just as uneventfully as it began…*sigh* I’m having a ‘Do it big trip’ for my 25th! You’ll see! Muahahahaha!!!!!!!

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