Random Musings (“Uncertainty”)

This is the last of the random musings I composed several months ago. I will continue this series occasionally but this will be the last entry for the time being.

3/19/2009

“Uncertainty”

I’ve been having up and down days since dad passed away. Some days I am completely adjusted to the fact that he is no longer here on Earth. Other days it takes all my will power not to have a break down. I know he’s with the Lord now, but I still have panic attacks. I remember telling him years ago that I completely forgiven him for everything he had done to our family. Still… I wish I could have told him one more time.

I was so happy he came to my college graduation though I wish I had been able to hug him. That was over a year and a half ago. I am truly confused. My emotions are raging out of control. I struggle to stay motivated.

Grief is terrifying. It takes everything in me to stay focused. Where things were clear they are now in disarray. And I hate every minute of it. I know I will always miss him. But I hope that one day it will be with a gentle fondness that I look back on the time our family had with him. I hope I look back on my memories with a sense of closure and peace. I plan to meet him again and so…I do not want to be consumed by my grief. I want to carry out my plans for the future as he would have wanted me to.

Though I knew this would happen one day, I had no way of completely preparing myself for it. I still felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me when my mom told me he was gone.

I want to live. My will is strong but my motivation is shaky at the moment. I feel that with time my motivation will be restored. God blessed me with an unbreakable spirit…though I am not invincible. There are days where I cannot see what is truly out there for me. But I will keep trying… I will keep searching…

Leave a Reply